In my profile I call myself "genderqueer". When I picked that label I based it solely on a feeling I have inside, and the recommendation of a friend, who actually suggested it to me.
But recently I found a gender test used by psychologists/pschiatrists when counseling patients about gender issues. I'm not seeing a counselor, but I couldn't resist taking the test anyway. What would it tell me? That I'm really a man? That I'm really a woman? What?
There were a lot of questions, and I don't remember but a few of them, but perhaps the greatest indicator of what result was in store for me was this question:
You have the power to change your sex at will. You will be entirely a woman or entirely a man. Which will you be?
There were several choices available, but the one which slammed home to me was:
I would be a woman or a man depending on how I was feeling at the moment.
So do I need to tell you the results from my taking this test? I came out as Androgynous. My internal gender identity is essentially androgynous, both male and female at the same time, or possibly neither.
To tell you the truth, that is exactly how I feel about myself. How did that old commercial go? "Sometimes you feel lke a nut. Sometimes you don't." I have felt all three of those things. I have felt like a man. I have felt like a woman. And I have felt like I was neither a man or a woman. The third case is usually when I start acting "against my sex" and nobody around me will accept the behavior. Then I don't feel like I fit in with anyone.
So, again considering the purpose of this blog, how do I use that in my writing? I should be able to, I think. Will that help me write love stories between women as I want to do, or will the impact be minimal? Or maybe, because I like fantasy, I should write stories in which my main character can change her identity. To be honest, I have been coming up with stories like that since I was in grade school. I've even written one recently where my main character wasn't always the same sex, but it wasn't through an act of her will. (Wasn't done through surgery, either. It is a fantasy story which I won't go into now.)
If the test was accurate and my feelings are true, then it looks like I'm some place in the middle. (At least on the inside.) I do tend to lean more toward female, but I'm not sure how much more. But if I create a main character who is neither female nor male, will readers identify with her? (Should I say 'her'?) After all, we like to find the right pigeonhole for people so we can interact properly with them. Maybe its just time we built more pigeonholes. The two we have don't seem to be serving everyone well enough anymore.
I can sing the Steelers Wheel song with new enthusiasm now.
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4 comments:
The definition of a man and a woman changes depending on circumstances. Are we defined by physical body parts, chromosomes, or some other yet to be determined definition. That's why these laws and amendments that define marriage as being between one man and one woman are a joke in some ways. What is the legal definition of a man and of a woman. I don't think that is codified in a lot of the states who have the "gay marriage ban".
There have been instances where a person is not obviously of either sex when examined to determine gender. A recent case came up in South Africa. The woman looks female, was raised female, feels like she is female and yet they discovered she has testes where her ovaries are supposed to be. So what is she really - besides devastated that she cannot bear children and the world knows all of this personal info about her?
Gender is very fluid. Some species carry that fluidity to an extreme. There are fish that lay eggs as a female, transform to male and inseminate them.
I often wonder if we are evolving to become a one gender race where everyone has both sexual organs and can either father or mother a child. (Do we even say mother a child? Why is there no equivalent expression?)
I wanted to be a boy when I was young. I thought boys did not get abused. I was wrong. I was mistaken for a boy many times. When my hair started turning grey and it was obvious I had no 5 o'clock shadow, those mistakes became fewer in number.
I'm grateful to be female today. But I'm not your 'typical' female. I have my own identity and I own it.
There have been gender neutral characters in SF. I believe how they are called is a made up word for the book.
I do know of science fiction that explores gender but I read less pure fantasy. I seem to remember Ursula LeGuin's The Left Hand of Darkness has aliens that only have gender when it comes to time for them to mate.
Sarah: It does seem like gender definitions are changing. When and where I grew up only two were acknowledged, and those were pre-determined for us. So, those of us who would not conform to what we were given were teased and harassed. But those of us who did were not necessarily a lot happier.
It might be interesting to be able to look into human future and see how these issues are dealt with one or two hundred years in the future. Or will they even be issues?
It seems you have come to terms with yourself. You post your picture and your name. And you write incredible poetry about your past. I envy you. I'm way behind on that journey, but maybe some day WingsInTheNight can present a real name and picture to the world, too.
In the meantime, I intend to explore this awakening in myself through my writing in particular. And I will remain ever grateful to those of you who visit me on this blog and provide information and encouragement to continue the exploration.
Thanks, Sarah.
Fairyhedgehog: I've been vaguely aware of stories dealing with gender issues. I have not read many up to now as I was not ready to deal with my own issues, and reading about someone else's only made me uncomfortable and unable to enjoy the story behind the issue.
Having a sex only to have sex might be interesting. The fish Sarah mentioned in her comment sound quite interesting. Sex, and sexual things, often seems to get in the way of feelings of gender.
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