It never ceases to amaze me how stupid I can be. I mean, by many standards I am actually an intelligent person. In school I always got As in classes I liked, Bs in classes that were interesting but not my favories, Cs in the other classes.
When confronted with problems at work and school I would usually come up with a creative solution that worked. I remember the one place I worked I redid their entire coding system. Spent three months doing it. I found out that fifteen years later they were still using it.
And my ideas for improving efficiency were all implemented with great success.
No, I am not a stupid person.
So why do I behave so stupidly?
It's desperation. You know?
That feeling of extreme panic when I realize what my life has turned into. And so when someone likes me, I put reason and caution aside and leap forward, hoping to find something that just isn't there.
I can make use of my stupidity. In my writing.
My characters can be just like that. Intelligent. Until it comes to a matter of the heart. And then - like the flipping of a switch - foolishness reigns supreme.
Except I have a difficult time not writing happy endings. Too much reality for me, I guess.
I guess I can't find what I'm looking for because it's beyond my having in this life. Or maybe I just don't know what it is.
Whichever, I now have another painful experience to draw from when writing a story about a character I want to be real.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
This too shall pass.
It took me a very long time and a lot of heartache to not only find my wife, but be ready for her.
It's the being ready to have a healthy relationship that required all of the hurtful, and sometimes scary, experiences that came before.
I might be intelligent, but I have a very hard head when it comes to learning life lessons.
In retrospect life's lessons sometimes seem simple, don't they? But going into them they always seem to catch us by surprise.
Guess that's because nobody tells us we're getting a life lesson until it's all over.
You are a sweet darling, Sarah. I'm glad you and your wife found each other.
You're not stupid. Emotions are messy and difficult - that's just how they are.
I hope you manage to pour all this into your writing and feel better.
Thanks fairyhedgehog.
It just seems stupid when I look back and realize I knew the outcome was not likely to go my way from the first. But I blundered forward anyway. Desperation. What a thing it is.
I will use it in my writing. Probably more without realizing than with conscious effort.
But I thank you for your support.
The love of friends satisfies the longing inside more than anything I have ever tried to do.
Post a Comment