Saturday, May 1, 2010

Why I Became What I Use to Condemn

Sometimes when my heart is hurting I write. I write a lot. Sometimes I only write a little. But when the heart is sick there is still the chance to write something. Even if it's just a short piece, or a poem to express the feelings of anguish.

It's different when the body is sick. A sick body means frequent visits to the bathroom and little time for actual writing. Maybe a blog post, or a mail chat. But to actually write. Doesn't usually happen.

I've been making bathroom trips. And so I have not been writing. My heart is in that numb stage after being hurt. You know? That emotional catatonic state in which it refuses to acknowledge any feelings whatsoever. Not easy to write without the passion.

But like I said, maybe there can be a blog post. And so here I am again.

There is a shame in being someone else's one night stand. I'm not sure exactly why that is, other than to guess it has to do with the reaons behind acquiessing. When the reasons can pretty much be boiled down to "I wanted to feel loved again" I guess being a one night stand is something of an indictement against my own intelligence.

Catching someone on the rebound isn't much better. Not if the relationship doesn't last. The feeling becomes that which is suspected of a ping pong ball. Bouncing from one lover to another. Do it too often and you get a reputation. Whore.

To be honest, I used to look down on men and women who behaved like that. Running from partner to partner. How could they do that, I wondered. Didn't they have any desire to just have one person to love and be loved by?

And now I'm the whore. And suddenly I understand something I never did before. It is precisely the desire to be loved by just one person that inspires the behavior. And with each failed relationship the desire becomes stronger. And more desperate.

I don't look down on "whores" anymore. I don't like looking down at me, I guess.

Anyway, I was thinking about it. Nobody becomes anything without some sort of history behind them to encourage it. This is important for writers to know and understand. WHY is my antagonist the antagonist. They're greedy? Why? What caused them to be greedy while the heroine is not? Why is the heroine going to stick with the story mission, instead of just chucking it away in boredom and indifference?

These things do not always need to be in the story itself. But the author should have answers to these questions. Many authors will write entire backstories for their characters. That way, the author understands what is "in character" for each and what is not. It is just as important to know why your antagonist has a soft spot in her heart as it is to know why she is such a bitch the rest of the time. And if you tell me it's because "that's the way women are" I will slap your face. All behavior has a reason. Those reasons do not always belong explicitly in a story, but they must be there as a background to keep characters in character.

Meanwhile, this whore needs to visit the bathroom again.


fairyhedgehog said...

I'm sorry you're ill and I'm sorry you don't feel you've lived up to your own standards. At least if you're being kind to other people you can be kind to yourself too!

Sarah Laurenson said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well.

Whore is such a strong label and not one you hear applied to men who do the very same actions. (Unless they're gay)

I bounced from one relationship to another, constantly searching for the "one". My therapist and I were about to delve into that relationship dependency when I met my wife. It became a moot point, sort of.

And yes, it has everything to do with where I came from and what I was searching for.

I meant it when I said "I love you" to each of them. I meant it, but I didn't really know what love was nor did I know how to have a healthy relationship. Still learning that last one.

Wings in the Night said...

It is a feminine term, isn't it? Probably created by men.

Sometimes I think I should be living alone on a desert isle.

Except I'd starve to death.

laughingwolf said...

some wag put it: looking for love in all the wrong places... been there, done that....

keep redoing it, hoping for a different outcome = the definition of insanity

hope you are soon on recovery road

Wings in the Night said...

haha Yes. I remember that. When I was in school I had a teacher who used to say that all the time. "You do the same thing over and over again, but you keep expecting a different result. That's insane!"

Sometimes we're all a bit crazy, aren't we? haha