Sunday, April 18, 2010

If I Am Who I Am While Making Love I May Not Actually Be Anybody At All

Recently, fairyhedgehog had a post about sex. Oh, damn! I just lost my reading audience.

Most of us are fascinated by sex to one degree or another. I know I am. There's something about sex which seems to get to who we really are. I think when we're engaged in lovemaking we have let down our final guards. We do if we really give ourselves to the experience anyway. Some of us are so inhibited we can't really enjoy sex as much as we could.

But that is not where I intended to go with this post.

Fairyhedgehog began her post with a quote from on Russell Smith. In that quote Mr. Smith makes a statement about "not truly understanding a character unless he knows how they are in bed." He adds that that is true of his real life friends, too.

Personally, I find Mr. Russell to be a sick sick man.

I mean, I have talked about sex and sexual activity with some of my friends. I even remember talking with my best friend a few days after I had my first encounter. But you know what? I didn't go into any great detail. At the time I was very upset with myself (I liked being a virgin) and so I focused more on why I gave in and how I was seduced more than the details of what actually took place.

Some people probably do get into the nitty gritty details with their friends about what they do. Mr. Russell apparently is one of them. Personally, I don't think I could do that. Nor do I want my friends doing that with me.

Not that I think it's "dirty" or "bad" or anything like that. As long as it isn't rape and it doesn't involve children, it's probably just fine.

But sex seems to get right to who we really are. It's the final guard to our spirits. I think that's why it's used by rapists. I seem to recall that most rapists don't actually enjoy the experience either - even if they do cum. But having consentual sex with another person is probably as close as we will ever come (no pun intended) to actually touching their spirit. We are all locked inside our bodies. We can't get out without dying. Hence the old phrase, "I'm trapped in a woman's body!" Or a man's. The spirit inside is at odds with the body nature gave them, and now they want out. With modern medical science those who can afford it can actually do something about it. The rest remain prisoners.

I don't talk about the details of my sexual behavior. Not even with my closest friends. (And they are SO grateful to me.) I don't think many people do. Especially across gender.

This is because I think if a woman starts telling a man the details of her bed behavior he's almost certain to assume she's coming on to him and wants him in her bed. And if a man starts telling a woman she's almost certain to think the same thing. Generally, in neither case is it all that comfortable conversation.

I don't talk about the details of what I do in bed because I don't like exposing myself (maybe it's subconscious, but I don't think I mean to be cute with the double entendre) like that. I have not had that many lovers in the real world. Had a few more in online fantasy. What I discovered is that lovers are easier to have online. I think it's because, unlike the real world, you can have sex online and still keep the separation of spirit. I don't like that. It's touching the spirit which makes the sex more meaningful to me. But more so online than in real life sexual partners are often only interested in pleasing the body.

Nobody likes to just cuddle anymore.

I could do that without ever having sex.

Well, maybe not ever. But you know what I mean.


laughingwolf said...

rape is all about 'power', and has nothing to do with making love, which i'm all for, as opposed to 'having sex', whatever THAT is...

'having sex' sounds as romantic as 'having a bowel movement'! GRRRRRR

[ok, i know there are those into fecal 'sex acts'; not my cuppa]

Wings in the Night said...

Yes. Rape is a criminal act in which genitalia becomes the weapon. By violating the person being abused the abuser believes they demonstrate power they don't have. Their only power is in their strength, numbers or weapon/s.

But it can be devastating to the one abused.

Making love is what sex is supposed to be about. Having sex is what people do to satisfy the body but ignore the spirit.

Wings in the Night said...

Just my opinion.

laughingwolf said...

a correct opinion, in my view...

Wings in the Night said...

Thanks LW.

Sarah Laurenson said...

We are so caught up in taboos around sex that it is a hard topic to discuss. And yes, there are those who think that if you talk about it, you must want it.

I have found that sex is better - by far - when I am emotionally involved with the other person. And there's where I think that guy is so far off base. The brain is very powerful here and makes the experience so much more than the actual physical act.

Emotional intimacy adds so much more. And this is where it touches the spirit for me. And also where I can allow myself to be vulnerable with another person.

We love to cuddle. Who says it doesn't happen anymore?

Wings in the Night said...

Without the cuddle the sex loses some of its excitement. The cuddle is great foreplay and great afterglow.